Quote/Lyric of the Moment

"We never are what we intend or invent."

-Brand New "At the Bottom"

Monday, May 16, 2011

Playing God (In Limited Times)

   All I want, all I've ever wanted in life is to create something beautiful; music, stories, poems, sketches, pictures, etc. That's the only thing that could ever make me truly satisfied with my time here on Earth. I suppose it is a bit ludicrous, the fact that such a young girl on the verge of her 18th birthday should be contemplating matters as though her time was severly limited.
   From another perspective, I have all the time in the world to create something beautiful, don't I? Hmm nobody never knows though, that's one thing I've gratefully learned from my mother, and am constantly reminded about. I can go to sleep a healthy person one day and suddenly never wake up. Haha I'm not trying to be bitter or depressing=) That is not my intention at all; it is a mere statement of fact. When people make lists of things they want to do before they die, it's not a very assuring list? 'Cause many create those lists with the mindset that they have all the time in the world, that death only presents itself to the old and the aged. Reality knows better, however.
   I don't know what brought about this realization. I know I mentioned earlier that creating something beautiful is all I have ever wanted, but it was only recently realized. Just thinking about everything that evokes some strong emotion from me such as the book Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro, the movie Fight Club, the song Ever by Team Sleep, etc. Thinking about how those creations came from the depths of human minds. How all those creations evoked different feelings from me. The one feeling they all had in common was Awe. They all left me in awe. That's something I want to do.....

   Something I will do.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Taken With You (Reasons for Reason...)

Dear You,
    Simplicity is my tranquilizer; no reason, no meaning, no analyzations. Just taking everything as it is without any assumptions or raging thoughts. Isn’t it strange then to find enjoyment in subjects such as English? Isn’t it strange how we all analyze each other consistently trying to solve one another like some code of sorts? The motives, the intentions, the possibilities of one simple action, one simple thought, one typically insignificant word.
   We frusterate ourselves, throwing and formulating and building and keeping ourselves awake in these analyzations, these unnecessary  thoughts, prying for answers….and we blame the other person, damning them and their actions which seem so foreign to us. In reality, there may be no reason at all; it may be just the search or need for something that influences the reason we all form. It’s definitely you. And, all your thoughts.
   However, there’s a sort of enlightenment within the realm of observation and analyzation. In a way, it keeps us going, keeps us alert of possibilities. However biased the reasons some form can be, let us not forget that they are still possibilities. They can happen, and they can be. Someone once told me “to question the mind keeps us young.” Haha well it certaintly keeps us open to all possibilities, but it primarily ages us as we pound our heads against the table thinking and questioning. Our minds are like Google; one word equals over a hundred results. And, how can we know which ones are valid? Which ones are credible… Isn’t it amazing to see who comes up with what? 
   Sometimes I’ll sub-consciously watch someone doing something as simple as talking, reading, or just standing there looking at something that I cannot see as they are, no doubt, consumed by a million search results within their own head…and I’ll want to know why or how, or what it is they are consumed by. It’s not everything people do; only the natural, simple things that I notice. Why? Hmm I don’t really know. My guess would be that because it is so easy, the naturalness of it is so beautiful…just to see someone in their own world doing something completely irrelevant to what they are thinking. And, it’s quite obvious with most people that they’re distracted by their raging thoughts. The people who are immensely quiet are the difficult ones; they could be plotting, scheming, reflecting on their past, or just….not thinking at all. Maybe it’s that way with everyone, and maybe it’s only that way with certain people, I don’t know.
   One thing I do know is that it’s the simplicity I have trouble analyzing. Even though my first statement was that the simplicity of things calms me and relaxes my mind, it also sends my mind pushing through all theories and inquiries, thrusting and surging within and past, and everywhere everywhere everywhere….The difference is, though, that the thoughts caused by the simplicity don’t escalate or overflow as much as the complexity of other things.
   Contradictions. I am contradicting myself again and again, aren’t I? I had said that I have trouble analyzing the simplicity of things- because the possibilities range far and beyond regular assumptions- but they don’t cause as much frusteration as the analyzations of complexity. Although, I’ve obviously contradicted myself, I don’t take anything back because, funnily enough, my statements still feel accurate. They still feel all too familiar and right to me.
   Have I caused you much confusion? Although it was not my intention- actually, I don’t know what my intentions are in typing this, but I like it very much so- I will not apologize (who would I apologize to? This wasn’t meant for anyone particular) because even you- yes, that’s right, you too- confuse the hell out of me. Everything you do and say and think. You don’t even know, you’re not even certain about everything you think. And, an honest, but fairly long conversation could prove that- if you’re patient and open-minded. Many people will say “oh humans are the most complex, complicated creatures ever to be created.” I don’t really agree with that statement. Sure, some are complex, actually very few of them are. In general (very bold, I know), humans are so easy to figure out. So predictable and successful at meeting expectations , many without even trying or knowing that they’re doing it. They’re so transparent…so simple.
   Maybe that’s why I find them beautiful as well. Humans are scary, solicitous, similar. They can be cruel, ugly. They can be kind and suprisingly loving. They can be pawns, powerful, manipulative and mentally dominated or emotionally controlled. All of these natural potentials of humans are so universally instinctive, that because of the wide range of possibilities, they are simple. Simplicity is beautiful and very taking. Do you understand now? I am unwillingly but curiously taken with you and everything you do. you are probably taken by someone else, something else. They or it is taken with someone or something else….and so on does the net weave. 

Forever Endeavor,

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Lie within Belief

Dear You,
Today, I'd like to discuss this whole concept of "God," and "religion."

First let me declare that I have no religion, I never did, and possibly never will. My parents never thought of religion as a priority, despite the fact that they were both raised by Catholic families, so they never enforced any religious practice or beliefs while raising us. In fact I didn't even know what "religion," meant until I was in third grade. It was definitely a lesson. But, I didn't learn it through the words of a teacher.

The first day of third grade, the natural first thought going through all the girls' minds were "I wonder who will be my best friend this year?" That was extremely important back then haha. Anyway, I don't remember how or why but I chose the quiet pretty girl Linette as my best friend and she chose me as well. We both loved to read and learn about space. The only difference was that she was very reserved while I was annoyingly extroverted....or I thought that was the only difference. One day (I think it was the fourth or fifth day since I had started third grade), Linette and I were playing in the sand near the Spider Gym (that's what we called it) and she randomly asked "So what's your religion?" I replied, feeling immensely confused, "Religion? What's that?" She explained that it was a....sort of system or something......based on beliefs concerning human nature
 which people would "have to follow by or else they'd be punished." I wondered a bit about it through the rest of the day. I brought it up to my mom who responded "No, Daddy and I didn't want to give you guys a religion. We want you guys to make up your own beliefs." The next day I told Linette what my mom told me. I remember feeling a bit...proud while telling her. I guess it made me feel as if I had some sort of freedom compared to her....just the knowledge that I could believe in anything I wanted, could make my own beliefs....Haha almost like making up my own little fairytale or something. However, Linette, after listening intently, didn't seem as happy I was. In fact she seemed extremely sad and disappointed as she shook her head and said "You're supposed to have a religion. Me? I'm Jehovah's Witness." I remember at this point, her response increased my confusion as I asked "Who's Jehovah?" Now that I think about my response, I can't help but laugh! Man, I was such an idiot. Anywho, she said "That's not the point. You're supposed to have a religion. My father says everybody has to have a religion, preferrably ours." "Well....my parents said I don't have to so I don't want one," I replied a bit annoyed with her. She sighed and said "Well, then you're going to hell. You and your family." I stood gawking at her, shocked by what she said. See, the thing is, while my parents didn't teach us about God or religion or the Bible, my grandma and grandpa would often talk about Heaven and Hell in front of us, not to us. While they didn't mention God or religion in their discussions, they basically said enough to the point where my sisters and I knew that Heaven is the place for good people while Hell is the place for bad people. I knew Hell wasn't a place anyone would want to go. After Linette said that, I remember asking "Linette...we're supposed to be friends...why did you say that? That was hurtful." Linette contiued shaking her damn head and said "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...But, my dad said if someone isn't a Jehovah's Witness, they go to Hell....In the end, only the Jehovah's get a good life."

Yeah....so after that...haha we weren't exactly friends anymore.

Anyway, while she got some points wrong on her own damn religion, she succeeded in making me think about my own beliefs. I didn't have any and decided not to worry about it....until I started learning about my other friends' religions as I grew older.Many kids during my middle school years were supposed Christians or Catholics; I say this because they seldom followed the values and morals of their own beliefs. As I entered high school though, I had developed friendships with not only Christians and Catholics, but Mormons, Jewish, and Buddhists as well....Haha in fact, my first boyfriend when I was 15 was coincidentally a Jehovah's Witness. While he didn't try and force his religious beliefs upon me, I was very intrigued by not only his religion but religion in general....I always asked questions, always pointed out things I thought were odd...It was all soo....enlightening and confusing at the same time. My fascination with religion increased my curiosity of the Bible. Now, the Bible I believe is.....hmmm how do I phrase this without offending people.....a load of crap. There are so many....flaws! Example (my mother pointed this out to me one day): It says in the Bible (I think in the ten commandments) "Thou shall love thy neighbor," which, of course, means to respect and accept your fellow man...but, Christianity is in strict opposition to the idea of Homosexuality. Contradiction. Like I said, load of crap...but it does make for some fun reading. I like reading Bible stories, interpretations of the Bible, and quotes from the Bible which are beautifully written, but I'm not buying into any of the nonsense.

As far as a higher power goes...I'm still uncertain. I believe the universe is was too complex to have been a "scientific accident." I mean, even scientists acknowledge the fact that everything, the shape, the rotation, the angle of the Earth is exactly perfect. It had to have come out of someone's imagination. That's what I think, but I still have my doubts.

Anyway...that's all I wanted to say today=)  Here's a funny little conversation between my friend and I (this topic reminded me of it):

Me: Brian....do you believe in God?
Brian: Hmmm I'm not sure...do you?
Me: I don't know....hmmm...do you believe that Jesus was a real person?
Brian: A real person? Yes. Messiah? Not so sure.
Me: But it was said that he had powers, that he could heal the sick and-
Brian: Yeah? So can Tylenol.

Haha well...I though it was funny=)

Forever Endeavor,

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Sore Eyes and Masquerades

Good morning you!
So, it is just a minute past 2:30 am. What is a high schooler doing up at this hour, you may ask? Well, once I got home from school yesterday, I babysat, did all my work and then CRASHED.....hmm I love that feeling of going to sleep extremely early in the evening, waking up really late at night thinking it's really early in the morning. My eyes are a bit sore....you can tell you had a fucking good sleep when you wake up with sore eyes.

Although I kept falling asleep yesterday during school hours, I was in such a good mood despite the fact that I was getting shit for not being able to go to prom. Prom.....ugh stupid stupid dance. I should relay that this weekend I found out my tournament team and I placed first in a tournament we competed in a few weeks ago. The sport was bowling and not only did our team place first during the team event, but I placed first in my division during singles, celeste (my teammate and sister) placed first in her division, Vinny and Julian placed second and third in their division.....so yeah, we kicked ass. Anyway, because we kicked ass, we have the pressuring option to move on to state tournament I think which is held up in Yuma. It's on April 2nd....same day as Prom.....and it's a two day tournament. Let me just declare at this point......I'm not the "high school social scene," type at all. Which includes dances, clubs, sports (although I did join the girls' bowling team this year). However, I was a bit excited about prom this year....only 'cause its going to be up near Pinnacle Peak in the Savoy Opera House and because they serve AMAZING food at these stupid dances as well as the fact that theme was actually something cool this year; instead of Hollywood Fusion, Mardi Gras, or Escape to Sin City and all the stupid usual crap they decide on, the theme is Phantom of the Opera/Masquerade....which is pretty damn awesome. See, if this had been any other tournament, I probably would have chosen prom over the tournament but......(horrible cliffhanger, I know) this tournament consists of scholarship money and college scouts.....and, God knows I need that; obviously, I chose the tournament instead of prom. Soooo......egg on my face right? Oh well, it's just prom I suppose. I still have graduation to look forward to=) Haha besides....now I have an actual excuse when somebody asks me to prom that I wouldn't really want to go with. It already happened. My buddy and ex boyfriend Carlos asked me earlier last week and instead of saying "no, I really don't want to go with you," I said "I have other plans, sorry," like a complete douchebag haha ahhh ohhh well Karma=) but I told him the truth a few days later!
Me: Yeah, remember when you asked me to prom only 2 days ago?
Him: Yeah, what?
Me: Well, I just didn't want to go with you. Sorry for lying.
Carlos: It's cool. I didn't really want to go with you anyway....I was just asking anyone to see,,,
Me: If you could get anyone?
Carlos: yeah
Me: Hahaha alright well, no hard feelings then! Want to walk with me to the bus since Brian's not here?
Carlos: Sure.

Haha he's a douchebag too. I mean, he asked me to prom over text like a complete tool anyway.

Hmmm man, I was really excited about Prom, too....I thought for sure I'd lose my virginity! haha KIDDING.
Haha I could imagine some hardcore Christian (probably old, too) just gawking and scoffing at this....=)

Anyway, I'm feel really....hmmm I don't know, but I'm going to go bathe haha. Sorry this entry was boring, I won't do it again I promise. Have a delectable day and remember: you can't always unscramble eggs=).

Monday, March 7, 2011

A New Beginning

Dear You,

Let me begin by saying that it is nearly 3 in the morning as I write this. Sleep always feels wonderful but I can't help but think I can do so much more during that time. Do you ever feel like that as well? I hope so; it's easier (obviously) to blog about things people will have a high chance of understanding. Weird, though; Shouldn't we all empathize with each other seeing as we're all humans?

I guess I should start by telling you a bit about myself before you get bored with my inquiries and such. Well, by now I hope you've guessed that I'm extremely inquisitive. I always always question and analyze things. Well...not always...I'm not completely shut away in my mind ALL the time; I am a fun, somewhat extroverted person. I love to talk and I especially love to hear the thoughts or opinions of another. Their thoughts/opinions/beliefs serve as a midnight snack for my mind to chew and digest=) Most of what I talk about is intellectual haha or at least I think so based on what my friends have told me! My sense of humor can be a bit vulgar and crude sometimes...without intention. Most of the time. I don't know if I'll ever display it within this blog; probably, seeing as a majority of my coarse humor typically slips out. I smile alot (or at least in this case, use smiley icons to express the fact that I am actually smiling haha); Generally, I am a very content person, I don't like being sad or angry or negative. The way I see it is that being negative takes up too much time and use of the mind. Oh! And, I should really point out that I am immensely curious. ALL the time. I love learning and wondering about various concepts and subjects. So, you know I'm always interested in your thoughts. Unless....you're a cliche person and are a clone of every other person out there (SIDENOTE- it's 3-11..."Whoaaa...Amber is the color of your energy...Whoaa..."). My definition of a cliche person? People who tend to look the same as others, talk the same as others, and do every other thing the same as others. Haha then disguise their similarity by saying trite phrases such as "Nobody understands me," or "I'm different from other people/I'm soooooo weird!" and etc....You all know someone like that....that person who honestly has to try to be different or stand out. I'm not saying there's something wrong with being different or weird or eccentric. On the contrary, it's fine with me! But, we're all obviously different, aren't we? There's no need to try to be a mainstream-fueled idea of what "different," is 'cause then, if you follow that mainstrem-fueled idea of "different," there's going to be a bunch of other clones just like you trying to be that concept of "different." Irony. Just be yourself. Otherwise, you'll end up looking like a tool. Nobody likes tools. Except Bob the Builder AHAHAH ahhhh...fail=). Anyway....yeah haha that's about it =)

So I also should mention my purposes for starting a blog. Well, I guess I just want to share my thoughts publicly (whether anyone cares for them or not). A simple diary is similiar to blogging I suppose so why not just keep a diary? Well, I do have a diary which I do write in, but...haha I don't know....I guess I will find out what my purposes are and how they differ from a diary as I continue this blog. I like the idea of a public diary, I guess.....haha =)

Sooo....I can't really think of anything to say except for the fact that I have nothing more to say which is pretty...yeah, no haha. I guess this would be the right time to close this entry or whatever. Again, my name is _____, I'm seventeen years old and I am now officially a blogger! Let's see what will become of this....Good night....or good morning=)

Forever Endeavor,